Today’s fluff is feeling buff
Sic transit gloria mundi, as The Mill is fond of remarking, gravely but with a hint of a weary smile beneath its gold-rimmed pince-nez, its beaver skin-fringed academic gown billowing magisterially on that final postprandial turn around the bin park at the back of Clapham Junction Asda, pausing only to snuffle through a pile of remaindered prawn sandwiches and to encase itself in a protective night-time cover of discarded bubble wrap. All things must pass. The plumpest berry must wither on the branch.
And amazingly Joe Cole is now 28 and about to fall through the cracks at Stamford Bridge and end up somewhere vaguely depressing like Real Zaragoza or Turkish giants Argantazablispor, or Sunderland. Chelsea’s twinkling, frowning, squandered tyro fantasista wants a 50% pay rise, a Ben 10 Ultimate Omnitrix and an alternative reality where he goes back six years and doesn’t bother learning how to “track back” and “do a job in there” and instead concentrates on perfecting his 360 degree helicopter donkey kick cushioned reverse donkey kick and has much more fun playing for West Ham or maybe even Real Madrid or Barcelona.
Also in the Sun, Real Madrid or Barcelona are “weighing up £70m swoops” for Wayne Rooney. Franck Ribéry is trying to decide between Madrid and Chelsea. “I don’t think it’s a soap opera that will drag on for long, I think things will be decided within the next two or three months,” he said, painting a vivid picture of a soap opera that drags on for too long. Wigan will bid £5m for 28-year-old Mallorca striker Aritz Aduriz, who sounds like a slightly disgusting Hispanic processed rice-pudding dessert.
Alex McLeish is about to give up on Kenwyne Jones because he’s too expensive. José Mourinho is putting on his bicycle helmet, picking up his carbon fibre lance and making his eyes go really wide and scary and getting ready to “battle” his former club Chelsea for Benfica’s Angel Di Maria.
Roy Hodgson will bid £1m for Kamil Glik of Piast Gliwice and formerly Real Madrid. Glik, 23, is described as a “Polish hardman”. Blackburn have fly-tipped South African disappointment Elrio van Heerden in the front garden of Turkey’s Sivasspor and Birmingham’s Gary McSheffrey is on the move to Sheffield United. “Gary is a player I have always liked,” said Kevin Blackwell, fingering his Gary McSheffrey pencil case and lightly teasing his Gary McSheffrey “ëdo” with a comb.
In the Mirror Owen Coyle has got ideas now he’s at Bolton and wants to sign Manchester City reserve and Slovakia World Cup star Vladimir Weiss, who will “light up the Reebok”. Paul Ince is now the favourite to replace Coyle at Burnley. Gary Megson is also in the frame, as is the Huddersfield manager Lee Clark. “I’ve had an open and honest relationship with Lee,” says Town chairman Dean Hoyle, putting his hand on your knee.
Attention-hogging, foot-stomping, tutu-wearing five-year-old American beauty pageant princess Marouane Chamakh has promised to do one from Bordeaux to somewhere else by the end of the month. “It’s not a decision you take on a whim,” said the 25-year-old Moroccan. Juventus are thinking of getting rid of Ciro Ferrara and appointing Guus Hiddink as their part-time manager. In the Mail Arsenal are after bandage-wrapped, deep heat reeking wheelchair-hog Louis Saha, described as “hindered by injuries”. Chelsea want to sign the new hot Spanish sensation Sergio Canales from Racing Santander. Real Madrid, Barcelona, Arsenal and Manchester City are hovering unpleasantly.
In The Times Birmingham and Wolves have expressed an interest in hacking, stomping, whinnying Hull City pit pony Stephen Hunt. Sunderland are “monitoring the position” of Salvador CabaÒas, a Paraguay international who apparently has “a complex tax situation”. And Gordon Strachan is bent on building a new hoop-shirted Jerusalem in a grey and largely unpleasant land by signing Gary Caldwell, Barry Robson, Willo Flood, Scott McDonald plus the ghost of the deceased wing legend wee ginger Jinky “The Jinker” Jocky McJinkery.
According to Goal.com Marouane Fellaini’s dad, who is called, Abdel Latif Fellaini, thinks he might go to Chelsea. And “reports surfacing in Germany” from a seething, bubbling underground report depot suggest Milan are “locked in negotiations with Wolfsburg” over the Bosnian striker Edin Dzeko. Wolfsburger Allgemeine Zeitung claims Milan have made a “fresh approach”, perhaps involving a swap deal with Dutch lumberer Klaas-Jan Huntelaar, who just can’t seem to find anywhere he really fits in and seems destined to wander endlessly through the desert of elite, indecisive top level European football clubs, shunned and taciturn and sand-blasted and perhaps wearing some kind of cloak.
Transfer windowManchester CityBirmingham CityWayne RooneyReal ZaragozaBenficaBlackburn RoversChelseaSunderlandReal MadridBarcelonaWolfsburgBarney Ronayguardian.co.uk
