Today’s little white lies are big in Andorra
Entirely sensible and plausible soccer-crazy tycoon type Ahsan Ali Syed wants to buy David Beckham for Blackburn Rovers. “I was 26 when I started following the Premier League,” the 26-year-old said yesterday. “I used to like Blackburn back then and also used to follow Manchester United’s fortunes because of David Beckham,” he added, remembering to add the first bit.
Wigan have said sulking jinker Charles N’Zogbia can go as soon as someone stumps up £10m. Sunderland, Birmingham and Marseille are all thinking about it. “Until then Charles remains a Wigan Athletic player and it is a partnership that has worked really well,” Roberto Martínez said, hiding his breaking, bleeding heart behind a veil of painted smiles.
Chelsea have offered twig-thin 18-year-old doomed Premier League cannon fodder Brazilian whizzkid Neymar a five-year contract worth £55,000 a week. Santos are desperate to stop him doing something awful until he has stayed in Brazil for at least three years drinking protein shakes and spending four hours a day at home with his abdomadiser machine.
The Brazilian club held nine hours of talks on Tuesday “with just a short break for lunch” but still haven’t talked him into signing a new contract. Maybe a slightly longer break for lunch and a walk round the shops next time.
Rangers are about to “steal” Manchester City winger Vladimir Weiss from under the noses of Celtic, which will probably be fine and everyone can just laugh it off and get on with life without any regrets or lingering grudges that last for hundreds of years and have their own dedicated threatening commemorative song.
Edgar Davids may yet sign for Crystal Palace. The 37-year-old TV pundit and Hoxton-type shades dude is expected at the training ground today.
Former West Ham baldie and dinosaur-type Eggert Magnusson has been seen screeching and flapping and leaping over boulders in the vicinity of Sheffield Wednesday. The Icelandic businessman is fronting a consortium that wants to buy the Owls. The agent of Ghana midfielder Kwadwo Asamoah still thinks he’s going to sign for Arsenal.
Arsenal are close to signing Sevilla defensive hulk Sébastien Squillaci. French TV station Canal Plus reported Squillaci being pulled out of Sevilla’s Champions League qualifier to be primped and buffed and blow-dried and placed in an attractive mahogany display case for inspection by Arsène Wenger.
William Gallas is “very interested” in joining Spurs. Gallas is a free agent having left Arsenal in the summer but, the Mill believes, is still likely to qualify for full Judas privileges under the relevant EU directive.
Ragged-trousered, high-kicking penniless big-dreamers Cardiff want Derby County striker Rob Hulse to play up front alongside – and potentially become embroiled in a training ground canteen text message bust-up walking stick brandishing finger-wagging chair-hurling furore with – Craig Bellamy.
The Sun reports that Roy Hodgson is “ready to dig his heels in” like a tiny little brave cockney-inflected mountain goat in a hillside snowstorm and let Javier Mascherano leave Liverpool for nothing in two years. “I’m very happy he remains with us … His problem is a familiar one that his wife doesn’t come to Liverpool, so when he’s here he lives alone,” Hodgson said, eating a fried cheese sandwich straight out of the frying pan while watching Cash In The Attic in his dressing gown.
Harry Redknapp needs to “move fast” if he wants to sign tedious summer newspaper saga Loïc Remy. Marseille have offered Nice £11.5m and a sense, ultimately, of closure. West Brom have made a £3m bid for FC Twente’s Ivory Coast midfielder Cheick Tioté, whose mother wasn’t quite sure in the registry office, leading to a minor misunderstanding but at least he has a funny story to tell.
And according to Goal.com Milan’s sporting director Ariedo Braida has “hinted” he may be after indolent goal ace Zlatan Ibrahimovic of Barcelona, Sweden and YouTube. “The arrival of Ibrahimovic is possible but it does not solely depend on him, but everyone connected to him,” Braida told Corriere dello Sport, raising his eyebrow significantly, peering over the top of his newspaper, and making covert but unambiguous references to a secretive ruling cabal of lizard-like alien creatures capable of assuming human form to start wars and control oil and things like that.
Manchester United target Raúl Meireles has been left out of Porto’s Europa League play-off squad, because either (a) he’s off; or (b) he’s not very good.
Blackburn RoversDavid BeckhamTransfer windowBarney Ronayguardian.co.uk
