Today’s sauce comes with added vitamins

Given what happened in the Champions League last night, you would have thought that today’s newspapers would be so full of minutely detailed eight-page cut-out-n-keep graphical representations of Lionel Messi’s four-goal assault on Arsenal and rapidly cobbled-together 11pm think-pieces by some old bloke who thought he’d retired comparing Barcelona’s young tyro with the great players of bygone eras such as Maradona, Pele, Best, Puskas and Blissett, that there simply would be no space for the baseless rumour and freestyle jazz-improv conjecture upon which this column preys.

But you would be wrong. Very wrong indeed. For the Mill this morning brings you a splendid haul of scandal and scuttlebutt, ranging from news that Manchester United are planning a summer of restrained transfer spending to news that Newcastle United are planning a summer of restrained transfer spending, with some other stuff along the way.

So without further ado let’s begin with Manchester City, who are battling Chelsea for Bari defender Leonardo Bonucci and engaged in a tug-o-love with city rivals United for £24m-rated Roma striker Mirko Vucinic. Arsène Wenger had also been sniffing around the Montenegrin but is considered unlikely to compete with the megabucks Mancunians.

As previously hinted, United have disappointed that small minority of their fans still deluded enough to believe that the debt-ravaged club could afford a serious summer shopping spree. “No wholesale buying is needed here,” said Sir Alex Ferguson. “We have a very good squad that just needs tweaking here and there. Not many players will be joining the club.”

A similar tale at Newcastle, where Chris Hughton has been handed a demure £15m transfer kitty with which to successfully ensure survival in the Premier League next season. “They won’t be paying over the odds for anyone,” “a Toon source” tells the Sun. “This is the new Newcastle.”

If West Bromwich follow the Geordies out of the Championship, they will bring Reading’s £2.5m-rated free-scoring midfielder Gylfi Sigurdsson with them. The Baggies are also readying a similar bid for Israeli forward Elyaniv Barda, ready to slap on Racing Genk’s boardroom table the moment their promotion is confirmed.

Unlikely to win promotion but quite likely to go on a bit of a splurge anyway are QPR, whose manager of the week, Neil Warnock, has handed bosses a nine-man, £10m transfer must-have go-get list, thought to include Scunthorpe striker Gary Hooper. Southampton’s Adam Lallana, meanwhile, says he is “100%” certain to still be at St Mary’s for the start of next season even though Celtic would prefer him not to be. More likely to leave the south coast is Portsmouth’s veteran striker Kanu, who has been offered a “huge financial incentive” to play out the rest of his career with Dubai outfit Al-Ahli.

Tottenham’s hunt for a new back-up goalkeeper has brought them into battle with Birmingham and Blackburn – more on them in a moment – for Notts County ace Kasper “Son of Peter” Schmeichel, Harry Redknapp hoping that a willingness to let him spend another year at Meadow Lane will work in their favour. Failure with that £2m bid could lead to a £5m move for Atletico Madrid reserve Sergio Asenjo.

Back to Blackburn, then, who want £6m Estudiantes striker Mauro Boselli, Blackpool’s £3m-rated midfielder Charlie Adam and Sporting Lisbon’s Portugal Under-21 starlet Bruno Pereirinha – also a target for Bolton and Fulham. Rovers’ Spanish defender Michel Salgado, meanwhile, has tipped Rafa Benítez for a move to his former club Real Madrid. “Why not? The opinion on Rafa in Spain is great.”

Fernando Torres has volunteered to star in a football-themed celebrity TV cook-off. “I’d love to arrange a World Cup Come Dine With Me,” says the Anfield-based sensation. “I’ve been a fan of cookery shows since I arrived in England in 2007 and Come Dine With Me is by far my favourite. They do a celebrity one, so why not a football one? It would be great. Steve Gerrard and Jamie Carragher would be good on it too.”

Honestly, we didn’t make that up. Someone else might have, of course, but it definitely wasn’t us. Anyway, it’s not even the weirdest football-related quote of the day. That came with news that football hardman turned gurning Hollywood bit-of-rough Vinnie Jones has given an exclusive interview to women’s magazine Glamour. “I like going to see the little Chinese lady down the road for manicures and pedicures,” he said. “It all comes down to hygiene. I’m very big on lotions.”

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The improvement of Aaron Lennon’s crossing, Michael Essien’s advanced role and Sunderland’s discipline all dealt with

1. Tottenham Hotspur have Aaron Lennon to thank

Jermain Defoe has deservedly hogged the headlines after scoring five goals for Spurs against a shambolic Wigan Athletic defence, but the Latics’ destruction had twin architects. Aaron Lennon’s searing pace has long made him difficult to ignore as an attacking option for successive Tottenham managers since his transfer from Leeds four years ago, but in the past 18 months he has added control and greater perception of when to deliver a cross – not always immaculate – which makes him as devastating a right-winger as any in the Premier League since the heyday of Andrei Kanchelskis in Manchester United’s first Premier League title sides. The torment Lennon inflicted on Erik Edman bordered on sadism and exposed the visitors’ vulnerability that Defoe so clinically exploited. The striker, with his tongue wedged firmly into his cheek, was thankful he had decided to wear silvery-pink boots rather than the green ones his sponsors had provided. Defoe knows, though, that Lennon rather than any sartorial selection laid the foundations for him to be lionised by his manager this morning as “the best finisher in England”.

2. Chelsea’s title favouritism is richly deserved

Chelsea have now gone 10 games at Stamford Bridge since the visit of Hull City on the opening day of the season without conceding a goal. Their home defensive impregnability was never tested too severely by Wolves and the focus for praise fell squarely on Carlo Ancelotti’s midfield where, in the absence of Frank Lampard, Michael Ballack and Deco, in came Joe Cole, Florent Malouda and Mikel John Obi to demonstrate that the Blues have more match-winning options in their squad than any of their title rivals. Michael Essien, playing further forward than in recent games to accommodate Mikel at the base of the diamond, took the licence his manager had given him to disrupt Wolves’ containing strategy at every opportunity. Linking up brilliantly with the underrated Juliano Belletti, he repeatedly ran Wanderers’ midfield ragged and coupled with the fluid movement of Nicolas Anelka and Salomon Kalou, turned the match into a cakewalk. It also set the platform for Gaël Kakuta’s impudent cameo and he demonstrated with the subtlety of his touch just what all the fuss has been about. Chelsea’s critics highlight their lack of strength in depth but no other club enjoys the quality resources Ancelotti has at his disposal. They are rightly title favourites.

3. Manchester City and Liverpool are susceptible to sucker punches

Defensive frailty is still costing Liverpool and Manchester City dear. In particular, slackness at set pieces – Emmanuel Adebayor letting Martin Skrtel steal ahead of him to hook in the opener and the Togo centre-forward’s amends-making unchallenged equaliser – defined a lukewarm match. By the time the goals came, both sides were one starting centre-half down. But whoever the personnel, the lack of concentration remains far more culpable than any particular marking system and it continues to leave them susceptible to the sucker punch. If only horse placenta treatment came in Steve Foster-style headband form.

4. We’re in the midst of a veterans’ renaissance

The days when Lee Bowyer, David Dunn and Jimmy Bullard featured in England squads have long since passed but each in their performances at the weekend hinted that their recovery from injury, ennui and being cast to the peripheries may make them crucial to their clubs’ survival prospects. According to his former team-mate, Robbie Savage, Dunn’s unwillingness to track back has held back his career, but for Blackburn Rovers against Bolton Wanderers he was back to the barnstorming best that characterised his first spell at Ewood Park. Bullard seems to give Hull belief and perhaps his enjoyment, cheek and willingness to gamble has finally given the Tigers the on-field leadership they have lacked for more than a year. Bowyer fell further than his Blackburn and Hull counterparts in unproductive spells at Newcastle and West Ham but he looks a man reborn at Birmingham City and has harnessed his relentless running to become Blues’ most influential player and plays the sort of probing passes Barry Ferguson was bought to provide. Survival takes more than having a talisman but it’s a good starting point.

5. Sunderland extol the virtues of coherence and discipline

Sunderland’s midfield resilience in the absence of Lee Cattermole allowed them to stifle Arsenal and add another big four victim to their record this season. Having already defeated Liverpool and allowing Manchester United to emerge with only a lucky point, Steve Bruce’s side has shown the value that his organisational skills and eye for a player have brought to the Stadium of Light. The way in which Jordan Henderson stuck to his task of shadowing Cesc Fábregas and the responsibility Lorik Cana took on his shoulders to orchestrate a five-man midfield to harry Arsenal’s ball-players deserves respect and bore fruit when the lacklustre visitors were gradually worn down. Critics of Sunderland point to the fact they lead the Premier League in terms of fouls committed, but there is more to them than naked aggression and belligerent resistance. They have what a lot of teams lack – a coherent strategy and the discipline to exercise it.

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