Today’s guff is kicking back

The Sun reports the surprising news that reliable waddling packhorse Dirk Kuyt doesn’t really want to play for Liverpool any more and would like to be reunited with his goateed personal organ grinder Rafa Benítez at Internazionale. Kuyt’s agent Rob Jansen said: “The clubs continue to talk but Dirk has told Liverpool he no longer wants to be involved as this is something that he regards his career and life.” Which became much more interesting when The Mill imagined it being said by a moustachioed man in a belted trenchcoat with a really strong Dutch accent.

Birmingham have made a £9m bid for Wigan wing sulk Charles N’Zogbia, despite the fact the club’s parent company Birmingham International Holdings Ltd is about to collapse under the weight of its debts, which is all probably just a small misunderstanding and something to do with that nice Mr Yeung having not transferred some funds between his accounts when he meant to, or his car insurance coming up at the same time as someone’s stag weekend, and no indication whatsoever of impending Portsmouth-style financial meltdown.

West Ham will sign the Inter winger Victor Obinna today. “Av bags a Bin man,” the Sun says. His name contains the word “bin”. And bin men use bags. Therefore he is “a Bin man”; but also capable of being “bagged”, despite the fact it is usually household rubbish which is bagged and bin men that dispose of it. Inter have finally made a proper offer for Javier Mascherano. “I sent an offer to Liverpool by fax on Tuesday and am waiting for a reply from them,” sporting director Marco Branca said last night, switching on his Betamax player, firing up the Calor Gas heater and wondering if he should pop outside now to crank start his 1920s T Model Ford.

Twig-like Brazilian whiz-kid waif Neymar “will become a Chelsea player eventually” according to Pini Zahavi, who is allowed to say things like that. Pele has been campaigning for Neymar to stay at Santos. Mark Hughes is about to sign Carlos Salcido of PSV Eindhoven for Fulham, who may in turn replace Paul Konchesky, who has been linked with the revolving disappointing-Liverpool-left-back slot. Sam Allardyce wants to sign non-playing goal ace Benjani on a short-term deal just in case it’s still 2007.

In the Mirror, West Ham are after David Trezeguet of Juventus. Liverpool, West Brom, Aston Villa, Real Zaragoza and sandal-wearing, fig leaf-clad club-wielding warriors Hercules are also in the hunt. Grant also wants Spurs right-back stripling Kyle Walker on loan. And Everton and Blackburn are both after the Newcastle defender Stephen Taylor, who has all sorts of agent-related, wage-parity, Fabricio Coloccini-on-£80,000-a-week-and-I’m-still-sailing-a-third-hand-yacht-type problems. Sam Allardyce is “chasing a Swedish goal machine”. In a tractor, across the cheese fields of the remote circumpolar region, waving his butterfly net. The £2m-rated Denni Avdic has scored 17 goals in 20 games for Elfsborg this season. Blackpool are still keen on Sheffield Wednesday striker Marcus Tudgay.

In the Daily Mail Chelsea have made a £10m offer for cartwheeling, high-stepping, forward-capering Bayern Munich defensive heebie-jeebie-giver Martín Demichelis. He wants to go to Sevilla instead. Sven-Goran Eriksson is “interested” in becoming the manager of Ukraine, a nation he always supported as a boy and no let’s not talk about money just yet shall we actually let’s talk about money shall we and oh sorry look at that my hand is on your ha ha you have very beautiful nostrils. Juventus want to eventually pay £13m for on-loan midfield bystander Alberto Aquilani. Robinho and Roque Santa Cruz, neither of whom play for Manchester City any more, are both set to leave Manchester City.

And according to Goal.com Ronaldinho thinks Zlatan Ibrahimovic should join Milan. But then again Ronaldinho thought the UK should enter the ERM, Neville Chamberlain should cut a deal with that nice Führer chap, JFK should go for a nice quiet drive in Dallas with the roof down, Rodney Marsh should join Manchester City, Des Lynam would reignite his career by joining ITV and that he, Ronaldinho, would be a much better player if about three years ago he decided to eat lots of hot dogs, wear a headband, and simply caper about grinning and occasionally taking free kicks.

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As far as the Wolves supporters were concerned, it was an “I was there” moment. With nine minutes remaining, and just when the home team seemed certain to make it five games without a goal — and five in a row at home — Sylvan Ebanks-Blake nodded Stephen Ward’s cross beyond Paul Robinson and saw it bounce off the post and over the line.

The eruption around the ground was one of sheer relief, though despite the idiotic ground invasion at the end, Wolves are not yet safe. If Burnley win all three of their remaining games, and Wolves lose both of theirs, they may yet go down.

And while it would be unfair to suggest that the fact they probably will now stay up is down to the failings of others, their impotence in front of goal in the last three months inevitably takes some of the gloss off an otherwise praiseworthy season.

For that, surely, the manager, Mick McCarthy, has to take his share of the blame, for all that the Yorkshireman deserves credit for Wolves’ survival. Playing one up front, with one of a five-man midfield sweeping in front of the back four, is acceptable away from home, but in front of their own supporters it has led to a series of sterile and sometimes, as on this occasion, fruitless matches. Next season they will almost certainly have to offer more.

Inevitably, given the formations, the match developed as so many at Molineux have this season, with Wolves organised primarily to frustrate — or, as McCarthy would no doubt prefer, to be solid — and chances at either end at a premium.

It took almost 20 minutes for the first to arrive, when Rovers came within a post’s width of taking the lead in a manner that would have driven McCarthy up the wall. Nikola Kalinic was up against three Wolves defenders when Basturk swung in a cross from the left, but the Croatian forward got in front of George Elokobi and was unlucky to see his header come back off Marcus Hahnemann’s left-hand post, with the American goalkeeper well beaten.

It was 25 minutes before Wolves first threatened. Kevin Doyle’s cross was headed for a corner, which eventually resulted in David Jones shooting into the side-netting.

Three minutes later Rovers went ahead. Morten Gamst Pedersen’s corner to the far post badly misjudged by Hahnemann, and Ryan Nelsen, arriving late, kneed it into the empty net.

With his team yet to create an opportunity worthy of the name, McCarthy gave Doyle some support in the shape of Chris Iwelumo, but their only genuine chance of the half fell to Jody Craddock, who was coming in at the far post when Jones’s volleyed cross cleared the Blackburn defenders. The defender’s shot went well wide.

The second half was an improvement of sorts, as it had to be. Paul Robinson almost fumbled a simple save from Jones, and Craddock volleyed over from close range after Elokobi’s throw was flicked on by Iwelumo.

For Rovers Pedersen and Keith Andrews shot straight at Hahnemann, but just when the crowd had given up, McCarthy put on Ebanks-Blake, and the substitute obliged. Even then Rovers spurned three good opportunities to score a winner.

Premier LeagueWolverhampton WanderersBlackburn RoversRichard Raeguardian.co.uk