Today’s guff is kicking back

The Sun reports the surprising news that reliable waddling packhorse Dirk Kuyt doesn’t really want to play for Liverpool any more and would like to be reunited with his goateed personal organ grinder Rafa Benítez at Internazionale. Kuyt’s agent Rob Jansen said: “The clubs continue to talk but Dirk has told Liverpool he no longer wants to be involved as this is something that he regards his career and life.” Which became much more interesting when The Mill imagined it being said by a moustachioed man in a belted trenchcoat with a really strong Dutch accent.

Birmingham have made a £9m bid for Wigan wing sulk Charles N’Zogbia, despite the fact the club’s parent company Birmingham International Holdings Ltd is about to collapse under the weight of its debts, which is all probably just a small misunderstanding and something to do with that nice Mr Yeung having not transferred some funds between his accounts when he meant to, or his car insurance coming up at the same time as someone’s stag weekend, and no indication whatsoever of impending Portsmouth-style financial meltdown.

West Ham will sign the Inter winger Victor Obinna today. “Av bags a Bin man,” the Sun says. His name contains the word “bin”. And bin men use bags. Therefore he is “a Bin man”; but also capable of being “bagged”, despite the fact it is usually household rubbish which is bagged and bin men that dispose of it. Inter have finally made a proper offer for Javier Mascherano. “I sent an offer to Liverpool by fax on Tuesday and am waiting for a reply from them,” sporting director Marco Branca said last night, switching on his Betamax player, firing up the Calor Gas heater and wondering if he should pop outside now to crank start his 1920s T Model Ford.

Twig-like Brazilian whiz-kid waif Neymar “will become a Chelsea player eventually” according to Pini Zahavi, who is allowed to say things like that. Pele has been campaigning for Neymar to stay at Santos. Mark Hughes is about to sign Carlos Salcido of PSV Eindhoven for Fulham, who may in turn replace Paul Konchesky, who has been linked with the revolving disappointing-Liverpool-left-back slot. Sam Allardyce wants to sign non-playing goal ace Benjani on a short-term deal just in case it’s still 2007.

In the Mirror, West Ham are after David Trezeguet of Juventus. Liverpool, West Brom, Aston Villa, Real Zaragoza and sandal-wearing, fig leaf-clad club-wielding warriors Hercules are also in the hunt. Grant also wants Spurs right-back stripling Kyle Walker on loan. And Everton and Blackburn are both after the Newcastle defender Stephen Taylor, who has all sorts of agent-related, wage-parity, Fabricio Coloccini-on-£80,000-a-week-and-I’m-still-sailing-a-third-hand-yacht-type problems. Sam Allardyce is “chasing a Swedish goal machine”. In a tractor, across the cheese fields of the remote circumpolar region, waving his butterfly net. The £2m-rated Denni Avdic has scored 17 goals in 20 games for Elfsborg this season. Blackpool are still keen on Sheffield Wednesday striker Marcus Tudgay.

In the Daily Mail Chelsea have made a £10m offer for cartwheeling, high-stepping, forward-capering Bayern Munich defensive heebie-jeebie-giver Martín Demichelis. He wants to go to Sevilla instead. Sven-Goran Eriksson is “interested” in becoming the manager of Ukraine, a nation he always supported as a boy and no let’s not talk about money just yet shall we actually let’s talk about money shall we and oh sorry look at that my hand is on your ha ha you have very beautiful nostrils. Juventus want to eventually pay £13m for on-loan midfield bystander Alberto Aquilani. Robinho and Roque Santa Cruz, neither of whom play for Manchester City any more, are both set to leave Manchester City.

And according to Goal.com Ronaldinho thinks Zlatan Ibrahimovic should join Milan. But then again Ronaldinho thought the UK should enter the ERM, Neville Chamberlain should cut a deal with that nice Führer chap, JFK should go for a nice quiet drive in Dallas with the roof down, Rodney Marsh should join Manchester City, Des Lynam would reignite his career by joining ITV and that he, Ronaldinho, would be a much better player if about three years ago he decided to eat lots of hot dogs, wear a headband, and simply caper about grinning and occasionally taking free kicks.

LiverpoolInternazionaleWigan AthleticBirmingham CityWest Ham UnitedChelseaFulhamBlackburn RoversBarney Ronayguardian.co.uk

The hopes, fears and expectations for all the teams this season

Arsenal

Having been so spoilt by success at the start of Arsène’s tenure, it’s understandable that so many Gooners struggle to come to terms with reality. Aside from throwing us the occasional bone, with the likes of Arshavin, Wenger continues to unearth bargains, unable or unwilling to compete with the big spenders. Competition for a Champions League berth is tougher than ever so treading water is definitely no longer an option. Our young team needs to show they’ve matured and compete in the big games. However, without a match-winning goalie it’s going to be tough to improve on last season’s finish. Last season 3rd Prediction 3rd

The new boys The arrival of Chamakh and Koscielny was hardly the sort of statement of intent that most Gooners were hoping for. Wenger apparently admitted the limitations of our timid keepers, so why hasn’t he broken the bank to install an imposing personality between the sticks?

Men to watch If he spends half as much time on the training pitch as he appears to spend styling his sticky-up barnet, Chamakh could prove to be a big hit. Samir Nasri has looked sharp in pre-season and, having watched events in South Africa on the box, perhaps he and Theo Walcott will benefit from the fact that they’re both fresh and feel they have something to prove.

Best youngsters From Jack Wilshere, to JET (Jay Emmanuel-Thomas) and Emmanuel Frimpong, we wait with bated breath for our homegrown stars to prove their first XI credentials.

Target for the boo-boys Almunia and Fabianski are the most likely targets.

Hate figure Cashley Cole, Greedybayor and Harry Redknapp.

Title winner Chelsea

Going down Blackpool, West Brom, Wigan

Bernard Azulay, GoonersDiary.Blogspot.com

Aston Villa

O’Neill has always left much of his transfer activity until just before the deadline but, given so much is required, to have done nothing by the start of August is alarming. The manager’s lengthy honeymoon is definitely over. The Villa Park crowd is sometimes a little overdemanding, but the football has been very uninspiring at home of late and the squad he refuses to rotate is of his own creation. A poor start to the season could easily see these murmurings of discontent get much louder. We need 100% focus on the cups, including the Europa League, and I’d be delighted with a semi, a bit of a European tour and some real gung-ho tactics against the big clubs at home. Last season 6th Prediction 8th

The new boys We should crack on and sell Milner: £24m is way over the top and, while I respect the club’s stance in holding out for more, we shouldn’t be so principled that we miss out on a crazy offer. One side issue: our scouting system must be awful. During O’Neill’s reign, we’ve made just one major signing from a non-UK club.

Men to watch Ashley Young is top-class, while if we play to Gabby’s strengths then he can star. We need big seasons from Dunne, Collins and Friedel again.

Best youngsters The manager seems to have soft spots for Delfouneso and Albrighton, but Barry Bannan in midfield and Ciaran Clark at the back could come through this season.

Target for the boo-boys For me, Downing is absolutely hopeless. Totally overrated, limp in the challenge and shuts his eyes when he heads it.

Hate figure Blues and their feral fans have always been a source of amusement and animosity. Arsène Wenger seems to delight in winding us up.

Title winner Chelsea

Going down Blackpool, Newcastle, Wigan

Jonathan Pritchard, Observer reader

Birmingham City

There’s a feeling of restrained optimism as we approach the opening game – the feelgood factor is balanced by the weight of history and the knowledge that last season’s ninth place, although deserved, was well above expectation. The core of the team remains and, given that Big Eck is not one for radical changes, expect more of the same this season. We’ll be hard to beat – especially at home – but to make progress, we need to improve in front of goal (only 38 goals last season). We need to break with more pace, show more guile in our approach play and better composure in finishing. We’re better than more than half the teams so there should be no need to worry about matters at the bottom of the table. Last season 9th Prediction 12th

The new boys McLeish acted quickly to replace two departing loan players: Foster in for Hart and Zigic in for Benítez. The only other signing to date is Vallés. Everyone – fans, management, board – agrees we need to strengthen the squad: some pace up front and out wide. And a left-back.

Men to watch Barry Ferguson was superb last season and will be again this year. I’d expect Foster to show the kind of form that will see him push for a place in the England squad.

Best youngsters Jordon Mutch is the most likely to feature on the periphery of the first team; Fraser Kerr made the pre-season tour to China.

Target for the boo-boys More moaners than boo-boys really. But I won’t name somebody before the start of the season. I’ll keep an open mind until at least half-time on the opening day.

Hate figure A couple of players managed to con referees and get soft penalties last year – I’m sure they’ll be deservedly reminded of that.

Title winner Chelsea

Going down Blackpool, West Brom, Wigan

Kevin Cummins, Observer reader

Blackburn Rovers

I am expecting another season of progress, but nothing too earth-shattering with the budget as it is. A good cup run similar to last year’s Carling Cup adventure would be a bonus. We haven’t had the best of summers so there’s no reason to go overboard about our chances of making an impact, but I’m not too worried as we have a young, vibrant and underrated squad. Last season 10th Prediction 10th

The new boys We’ve done nothing of note other than release Steven “hospital patient” Reid to WBA. We haven’t signed anyone, we haven’t really threatened to sign anyone and we have very little money. We badly need a new striker, mainly as we have only two recognised hit