All the action from tonight’s matches as Aston Villa and Blackburn battle it out for a place in the Carling Cup final, while in the Premier League Arsenal can go top if they beat Bolton and Liverpool attempt to close the gap on Tottenham

1. Prepare a nutritious, succulent afternoon meal: bread ‘n’ spread, maybe, washed down with a tall glass of Liver Compromiser
2. Kick back and let the auto-refresh tool take the strain OR, if you’re an old-school nerd, get frisky with F5.
3. Email your thoughts to rob.smyth@guardian.co.uk
4. Feel free to join or sponsor Rob’s Movember team, a cause for which he is sacrificing what dignity he has left
5. Ask Alanis Morissette whether this is ironic
6. Follow the latest scores around England and Europe by clicking this little fella

4.02pm: England 9-18 (Ashley-Cooper 72) Another try for Australia. That was sheer determination from Adam Ashley-Cooper; Cueto and Monye got to him, but he just dragged them over the line with him. Their defending was feeble, but it was great stuff from Ashley-Cooper. And from Giteau, who converts from the touchline to leave England two scores behind.

4.01pm “You’ve found the crossing-out tool haven’t you, and my word you’re gonna use it,” says Michael Ollier. “Oh Lordy yeah.”

4pm “Am watching Bayern’s latest inability to win whilst switching to the Man City game,” says Mark Bennett. “Both of which are preferable to looking at the Swiss football here in Basel.” This expat lark sounds like something I should have thought of a long time ago.

3.56pm “Portsmouth are deservedly a goal to the good and deserve much credit for how they have gone about their business here,” says Mikey Stafford at Ewood Park. “They are happily soaking up Blackburn’s largely ineffective attacks and hitting them on the break with O’Hara and Kevin-Prince Boateng particularly enthusiastic about getting forward and supporting Dindane and Piquionne. They look genuinely good, do Portsmouth, but Blackburn have offered so little. As for Chimbonda, he did lash out at O’Hara, who was swinging out of his shirt – personally I reckon yellow was fair. Now, if O’Hara had gone down like a 12-gauge-felled fawn a la Herita Ilunga it might have been different. Credit O’Hara for keeping his feet and merely whining to Andre Marriner.” But it’s the consistency, Mum. All we want is consistency.

3.54pm “A good morning,” says Tony Ling. “Watching Premier League, cup of tea, and listening to the newest Ricky Gervais podcast. Would you consider it a compliment that in my head all your MBM entries are being read with Karl Pilkington’s voice?” He has more hair than me.

3.53pm “It’s all Australia this half, all Australia,” says Stuart Barnes on Sky. I’m basically just doing Sky subtitles now. I hope you don’t mind.

3.52pm “Aside from spring-like winters and delicious food, one of the other joys of living in Mexico City is having live 3pm Prem footy to watch on a Saturday,” says Simon Essex. “From 5,557 miles and -six hours GMT away, I can officially report that my beloved Spurs are jamming their way through this one. Sunderland very unlucky not to be ahead, let alone 1-0 down. Awful game, mind. The Mexican commentators are so bored, they are talking about Newcastle’s stadium name.”

3.51pm Sunderland have “battered” Spurs, according to Jeff Stelling on Sky, but they are 1-0 down. Heurelho Gomes, the most naturally talented keeper in the Premier League and therefore the world, has been the star man, and Tottenham’s narrow formation isn’t working at all by the sounds of things.

3.50pm These are the half-time scores in the Premier League:

Aston Villa 2-1 Bolton
Blackburn 0-1 Portsmouth
Manchester City 1-2 Burnley
Spurs 1-0 Sunderland

3.48pm: England 9-11 Australia Duncan Bell is controversially penalised for collapsing the scrum, and Matt Giteau does the necessary to put Australia ahead for the first time. It’s a lead they deserved, having taken control of the second half.

3.47pm: Manchester City 1-2 Burnley (Wright-Phillips 43) Shaun Wright-Phillips uses Pablo Zabaleta by not using him, and then his shot deflects off the former City left-back Stephen Jordan to bring them back into the game.

3.47pm: Aston Villa 2-1 Bolton (Elmander 45) Saying which.

3.46pm: Aston Villa 2-0 Bolton (Agbonlahor 43) Gabby Agbonlahor nutmegs Jussi Jaaskelainen after good work from John Carew. Bolton are a strong second-half team, but you can probably put that game to bed.

3.45pm Blimey, I missed this when I made a toilet dart: City are 2-0 down at home to Burnley, with the goal from Steven Fletcher.

3.44pm “People can really be arsed to analyse Alanis Morissette lyrics?” sniffs Richard Woods. “I thought the whole point was to ignore her and hope she’d go away.” No, that’s Fearne Cotton.

3.43pm The Slimfast Plan’s Andy Reid has hit the post at White Hart Lane with a lovely long-range effort, it says here.

3.42pm Latest scores department:

England 9-8 Australia
Aston Villa 1-0 Bolton
Blackburn 0-1 Portsmouth
Manchester City 0-2 Burnley
Spurs 1-0 Sunderland

3.41pm “Great story (3.35pm) about the class warrior pulling down the rugby posts, but it isn’t it a bit undermined by coming from someone called Julian?” Says Robin Hazlehurst.

3.40pm “No…diff Chris Holland…” says Luciano Howard.

3.39pm “Nothing’s gone wrong with Man City per se,” says Angus Chisholm. “They were just the victim of ridiculous five-games-into-the-season hype.” I know what you mean, but come on: being outplayed at home by Burnley isn’t in the script, surely?

3.38pm Blackburn’s Pascal Chimbonda swings a big right-hander at Jamie O’Hara – but Andre Marriner only books him. Alan McInally on Sky Sports is several shades of apoplexy over that, and he sounds extremely lucky.

3.37pm Another potential shock: it’s Grimsby 0-1 Bath City. Chris Holland scored the goal. Is that the same Chris Holland who was at Newcastle?

3.36pm “John Martin is, of course, correct that none of the examples mentioned in the song are actually ironic,” says Jesse Galdston. “I always thought that this was some sort of meta-irony that she did on purpose. Perhaps I am overthinking it?” What gives you that idea?

3.35pm Here’s Julian Menz. “Good afternoon Rob. When I was but a nipper (well, 16), we organised a night-time raid and tore down the rugby posts (some idiot thought a good old fashioned game of rugger would keep the youth in line) on our school sports-field. Symbols of Toryism and the capitalist hegemony. Billy Bragg was playing loud, and we were proud. How things have changed. Rugby is still a stupid sport though. Is Wilkinson still alive? I thought he’d moved to south London and married Dennis Thatcher.”

3.34pm: England 9-8 Australia Right at the start of the second half, Matt Giteau’s penalty takes Australia to within a point of England.

3.32pm Luton are now beating Rochdale, who are second in League Two, 3-0. Blimey.

3.31pm “I’m keen to join in this Movember moustache fun but, I can’t decide which style to go for,” says Tim Travers. “I’m torn between the full blown Magnum PI lip topiary or the more refined Terry Thomas lip hugger. Any thoughts?” Magnum. Always.

3.30pm “Your mention of the Alanis song is interesting,” lies John Martin to ensure publication. “Is there anything in the song that mentions anything that is actually ironic? ‘Like a traffic jam, when you’re already late’. That’s not really an irony, more just bad luck. Isn’t it ironic that nothing in
the song is actually ironic?” My head hurts.

3.27pm “There’s something quietly erotic about Wilkinson putting a side to sleep,” says Alex Netherton. Yep, I regularly invite people round for postmodern orgies in a room with a load of widescreen TVs showing the 2003 World Cup semi-final. It’ll make a great Crash-style film one day.

3.26pm “Good causes aside, I hate Movember,” says Karl Meakin. “As all my friends sport luxurious efforts ranging from the Ron Mael to the full Derek Smalls, I suffer from the embarassment of Bernard Sumner Disorder and end up with two mini-staches that don’t quite join up. Still, could be worse. Could be
Gary Neville.”

3.24pm And these are the latest FA Cup scores. Not much of note as yet, although Luton are beating Rochdale 2-0.

3.23pm These are the latest scores:

England 9-5 Australia
Aston Villa 1-0 Bolton
Blackburn 0-1 Portsmouth
Manchester City 0-1 Burnley
Spurs 1-0 Sunderland

3.22pm “Hi Rob,” says Robin Hazlehurst. “When a team are pushing hard in rugby I think that’s called a scrum. So if they’re pushing for a try that should be an attacking scrum. If that helps you with the terminology.” This is easy. I’ll know what a drop goal is by the time this game has finished.

3.21pm “What do we know about Jamie O’Hara?” muses Mikey Stafford. “Likes a Wag and has a mean left peg. Someone tell the Rovers defence because they let him unleash a shot from 30 yards that was precisely in Paul Robinson’s bottom left-hand corner. However the question has to be asked – should any keeper be beaten from that distance? It was a good shot but Robinson’s view was unimpeded and I believe he could have done better.” If you believe it, Mum, we all believe it.

3.20pm: Manchester City 0-1 Burnley (Alexander 20 pen) Joleon Lescott is penalised for handball, and the inevitable Graham Alexander gives Burnley a deserved lead at the City of Manchester stadium. What has gone wrong at City?

3.19pm The trouble with these multi-sport clockwatches is that there’s no half-time period and therefore no toilet time. I’m dying here, and there’s 100 minutes to go!

3.18pm: Blackburn 0-1 Portsmouth (O’Hara 15) Jamie O’Hara scores his first goal for Portsmouth, who will go above Blackburn if they win today. That would also put Phil Brown FC bottom. Anyway, Mikey Stafford’s dissertation on O’Hara’s goal should be with us within the next couple of minutes.

3.17pm: Half-time: England 9-5 Australia

3.16pm “Looks like Jonny’s spleen is surviving quite nicely,” says David Hilmy. “However one wonders whether one man, whose 70-odd caps must equate to most of the experince among at least a dozen of the others, is going to be enough? It also beggars the question why England seem to have so little experience in the Saxons [read: talent pool].”

3.14pm Wilkinson makes a couple of great defensive tackles to deny Australia a try. In the course of the second he wins a penalty, and is congratulated more than he would have been had he put over a penalty or a drop goal. I think this means he did a good thing.

3.13pm: Spurs 1-0 Sunderland (Keane 12) Sunderland have started really well today but it’s Spurs who take the lead through Robbie Keane, who is playing in the hole behind a front two today. It’s his eighth goal against Sunderland, and I’ve no idea how it came about because I’d switched over to the rugby, where Australia are pushing for a try in the last couple of minutes of the first half. “Pushing for a try”? That doesn’t sound remotely convincing. I’m out of my depth.

3.12pm “MG certainly beats what the Norwegians call him, which is ‘Gamsten’ – translates as, er, the Gamst,” says Vern Mapp. “I try to tolerate his gorgeous pouting sultry metrosexual visage as it stares down at me every morning from a poster advertising haircare products whilst waiting for my bus to work, but I normally just mutter ‘twoncey pat’. Or something….”

3.09pm “Rob,” says Big Evil. “There seems to be a growing trend of playing natural wingers in central midfield. Sunderland have no pace on the flanks at all, with Malbranque and Reid there and Kieran Richardson shoehorned into a central midfield role. I don’t even know why Morten Gamst Pedersen is getting a game, but surely Diouf on the left and Emerton on the right wing would suit both players and Blackburn a lot more. Ricardo Gardner, who was a pretty decent left winger under Allardyce, is now being tucked infield with the unremarkable Matty Taylor on the left wing. And if the newspapers are right, Villa also plan to play Stewart Downing in the middle too. Does this mean that expansive wing play is dying? Or does it simply mean that Premiership football is evolving to require higher athletic standards in central midfield? Central midfielders do seem to be a heck lot more busy nowadays.” I agree with this up to a point, but a number of Premier League sides are still very dependent on genuine wingers or wide forwards: Manchester United, Villa, Spurs, Manchester City, and so on.

3.07pm: Aston Villa 1-0 Bolton (A Young 5) Jussi Jaaskelainien makes a great save to deny John Carew, but Ashley Young follows up to score. I haven’t actually seen the goal; I’m just paraphrasing the words that fell out of Charlie Nicholas’s face on Sky.

3.06pm “I hope England don’t win this because it will mean more new rules to keep the game going in Australia and the Antipods,” says Richard Jones. “This will always be the same under down there. They cannot stand to lose and when they do they act with insufferable puerility and try and change the rules.
Watch it happen if OZ loses to England and worse still to Old South Wales.”

3pm: England 9-5 Australia Wilkinson kicks the easiest penalty in the history of rugby. Thirteen minutes to half-time.

2.55pm: England 6-5 Australia (Genia) After a bit of pressure five metres from the line, Will Genia bursts through a criminally large gap to score. Giteau, on the left, drags the conversion wide of the far post.

2.54pm “Rob,” says George Schaller. “Movember is not too big over here in the States so I’m a little confused. Do you feel awkward explaining the humor in mustache growing to someone who wears a mustache year round? I can just see the poor guy coming home to his wife and asking her if she knew that mustaches are now a joke to some people.” I don’t think I know anyone with a moustache. Anyway it’s not who you know, it’s what you grow.

2.53pm “The C-section helped cushion the blow of giving birth to such an ugly child,” says Mikey Stafford. “MG was due to originally typing on Blackberry – nine letters is a lot on that infernal contraption. Back on the lappy now, so quite happy to wax lyrical on the bould Morten Gamst from Vadsø, Finnmark in Norway. Only joking, by the way, you were a beautiful baby.” What’s with the past tense?

2.52pm Australia’s first decent attack brings them to within 10 metres of the England line, but then someone is penalised for holding.

2.47pm Wilkinson hits the post with a penalty from the halfway line. England are all over Australia at the moment.

2.43pm: England 6-0 Australia (Wilkinson 10) Wilkinson kicks a fine penalty from wide on the left, and the scoreline reflects England’s territorial advantage in the first 10 minutes. I almost sound like I know what I’m talking about, don’t I. Almost.

2.40pm “Movember is well supported on the pitch – entirely the product of natural testosterone I hasten to add,” hastens to add Gary Naylor. “None favour the look of my favourite ‘tache I see.” That is majestic, like everything John Waters does. Except that. I want to watch Pecker now. I love that film.

2.37pm “Here is the team news from my non-crack-addled mind,” says Mikey Stafford, the lucky man covering Blackburn v Pompey for us. “Yup! The previously ever-present Keith Andrews makes way for MG Pedersen, who has four career goals against Pompey. For their part Paul Hart’s men are looking for a third straight 4-0 win, who’d have thought we’d be saying that prior to Pompey’s relegation to the Championship? It’s a bona fide relegation six-pointer Robert, the air is electric around Ewood. Just as well, seeing as it is at least two degrees colder than it was when I set out from London 80 days ago. Is the sky still blue down there?” Not sure as there’s no natural light in our special Clockwatch Bunker. Anyway, two things Stafford:

‘MG Pedersen’? Are you his DJ/rap buddy or could you just not be bothered to type ‘Morten Gamst’. Nine extra letters, that’s all.

‘Robert’? Are you my mother? Please don’t say you are. I have enough on my plate covering football and rugby.

2.36pm: England 3-0 Australia (Wilkinson) “Welcome home!” says the ever-excellent Sky commentator Miles Harrison as Jonny Wilkinson effortlessly nails a left-footed drop goal to give England an early lead.

2.35pm Potential giantkilling No1: Paulton 0-7 Norwich. It’s not the winning, it’s the taki Oh.

2.33pm Precisely 220 seconds after the scheduled start, Jonny Wilkinson gets things going at Twickenham. I have no idea how I’m going to follow this once the football starts.

2.32pm “Greetings Rob,” says Scott W. “Interesting to see you’ve managed to get £22.50 worth of sponsorship money for growing a ‘tache. Perhaps I could get a similar sum for refusing to brush my teeth. Or am I missing the point?” I rarely brush mine. Women love it, you know.

2.30pm “Were you smoking crack when you tippy tapped out the Blackburn formations?” says Mikey Stafford, who knows me too well. “4-1-3-1-1? Do you think that is a Sam Allardyce formation?” Stafford, don’t get me started on my love of Dame Edna Uncle Sam. Blackburn fans will almost certainly be able to correct me, but Nzonzi sits and Dunn floats behind the striker, right? Or do Emerton and Nzonzi both sit? Technically you could argue it’s a 4-1-1-3-1 formation, but that just looks weird. Too weird.

2.28pm The fantastic music from Requiem For A Dream, which has been sadly rendered unlistenable because of its use in Lord of the Rings and on Sky Sports News, blares out as the players get into a pre-match huddle at Twickenham. The minute’s silence for Remembrance Day is largely well observed, although I think you could hear a few nuggets. Hard to be sure as I was also hearing voices around the office. Not from nuggets, obviously.

2.27pm “Kudos Rob re: Movember,” says Michael Bourke. “Is a great cause, and a brave challenge. Apparently I look like a debonair English chap from the ’30’s, Charlie Chaplin or Hitler. Depends who you ask. Nice to see the Kangaroos behind it as well. Be brave.” I’m quite radged off about my lack of growth over the first seven days. You can barely notice it. It’s like Niles Crane’s moustache. I might just keep going – or I should I say growing – all the way through to next Movember. I am Movember’s Child. The good thing is that there are special salons where you can get it sculpted, so once I’ve grown something you can actually see I can hopefully get it turned into a Magnum PI mo.

Man City v Burnley team news Emmanuel Adebayor and Stephen Ireland return in a very attacking City line-up.

Man City (4-2-3-1) Given; Zabaleta, Toure, Lescott, Bridge;
Ireland, Barry; Wright-Phillips, Tevez, Bellamy; Adebayor.
Subs: Taylor, Richards, Johnson, Santa Cruz, Petrov, De Jong, Weiss.

Burnley (4-2-3-1) Jensen; Mears, Carlisle, Caldwell, Jordan; Alexander, Bikey; Eagles, Elliott, Blake; Steven Fletcher.
Subs: Penny, Duff, McDonald, Gudjonsson, Nugent, Thompson, Guerrero.

Referee Stuart Attwell (Warwickshire)

Blackburn v Portsmouth team news

Blackburn (4-1-3-1-1) Robinson; Chimbonda, Samba, Nelsen, Givet; Nzonzi; Diouf, Emerton, Pedersen; Dunn; Di Santo.
Subs: Brown, Roberts, McCarthy, Andrews, Kalinic, Hoilett, Salgado.

Portsmouth (4-D-2) James; Vanden Borre, Kaboul, Wilson, Ben-Haim; Mokoena; Brown, O’Hara; Boateng; Piquionne, Dindane.
Subs: Ashdown, Mullins, Williamson, Webber, Smith, Kanu, Belhadj.

Referee Andre Marriner (W Midlands)

Aston Villa v Bolton team news

Aston Villa (4-4-2) Friedel; Luke Young, Cuellar, Dunne, Warnock; Milner, Reo-Coker, Sidwell, Ashley Young; Carew, Agbonlahor.
Subs: Guzan, Albrighton, Delfouneso, Delph, Shorey, Gardner, Clark.

Bolton (4-1-4-1) Jaaskelainen; Ricketts, Cahill, Knight, Robinson; Muamba; Lee, Cohen, Gardner, Taylor; Kevin Davies.
Subs: Al Habsi, Elmander, Steinsson, Mark Davies, Klasnic, Basham,
Andrew O’Brien.

Referee Mark Clattenburg (Tyne & Wear)

2.20pm “Ah, Stuart Hall,” swoons Ian Copestake. “Has he ever commentated on an entire match? That would be a joy. Here he is in his other guise talking about representation and the media.”

2.17pm “Commentating on the rugby is very easy,” says Matthew Towers. “You start off with something mildly homoerotic like ‘can England’s big men grind the Aussie pack’s faces in it’, then you move on to contrasting the ‘grit and grunt of the English powerhouse pack’ with the ’sparkling Aussie backline’, then if you’ve still got any will to live you speculate on whether King Jonny will last more than ten minutes without straining his spleen. It’s really that simple. Oh and then you mention that my beloved Leicester thrashed the Saffers last night. PS you ought to push that Movember thing a bit harder, at the moment
it looks like the only people who care enough to drop you a couple of
quid are a couple of losers you met on the internet.” Isn’t the use of ‘losers’ tautologous? Anyhoo, I’m waiting till I look properly sexx freaky before I ask my friends.

Tottenham v Sunderland team news Sunderland’s team includes only four former Spurs players: Malbranque, Reid, Bent and Campbell. “Whatever happened to” David Bentley is dropped after a self-obsessed stinker at the Emirates last weekend.

Tottenham (4-3-1-2) Gomes; Corluka, King, Woodgate, Assou-Ekotto; Jenas, Huddlestone, Palacios; Keane; Crouch, Defoe.
Subs: Alnwick, Hutton, Bale, Bentley, Pavlyuchenko, Dawson, Kranjcar.

Sunderland (4-4-2) Gordon; Bardsley, Turner, Da Silva, McCartney; Malbranque, Henderson, Richardson, Andy Reid; Bent, Campbell.

Subs Fulop, Ferdinand, Nosworthy, Murphy, Meyler, Healy, Adam Reid.

Referee Kevin Friend (Leicestershire)

England v Australia team news

England Monye, Cueto, Hipkiss, Geraghty, Banahan, Wilkinson,
Care, Payne, Thompson, Wilson, Deacon, Borthwick, Croft, Moody,
Crane.
Replacements: Hartley, Bell, Lawes, Haskell, Hodgson, Goode,
Erinle.

Australia Ashley-Cooper, Hynes, Ioane, Cooper, Mitchell,
Giteau, Genia, Robinson, Moore, Alexander, Horwill, Chisholm,
Elsom, G. Smith, Palu.
Replacements: Polota-Nau, Dunning, Mumm, Pocock, Burgess, Cross,
O’Connor.

Referee Bryce Lawrence (New Zealand)

2.11pm “If your football ground had to have an @ in it what would it be called?” says Ian Copestake. “www.Barclays.Championship.trophy@liverpoolfc.com seems to be a
domain name that is already taken however.”

2.07pm “Come come Rob,” says Gary Naylor, beckoning me towards him, “I hope your excitement at this bumper day of sport hasn’t blinded you to the match of the day, kick off 3.00pm at Edgeley Park, when stone-broke Stockport County take on the might of Tooting and Mitcham FC. Stuart Hall, who will be 80 on Christmas Day, has his priorities right and is already in his seat for Five Live. The magic of the Cup, eh?”

2.04pm The rugby starts at 2.30pm. When it comes to rugby, I don’t know my arse from my elbo I am not strictly an expert, so apologies for the relative poverty of this afternoon’s coverage. Blame the clockwatch crunch.

2.03pm “Thoughts on the big game tomorrow?” asks Michael Scallon, mistaking me for someone with the capacity for cogent thought. “If United play John O’Shea, they’ll get battered in my opinion. You can substitute ‘John O’Shea’ for ‘4-4-2′ as well.” 4-4-2 is better than 4-5-1, surely? United are almost certain to lose so they might as well have a go. I’d play a proper 4-3-3, with a tight midfield of Anderson, Carrick and Fletcher, and Rooney and Valencia roaming in support of Berbatov. But whatever happens I can’t see Chelsea not winning. United’s 09-10 season has multiple similarities to their 03-04 campaign, and I think a low-scoring but thoroughly emphatic defeat at Stamford Bridge in November will be another of them.

1.52pm “All Blacks v Wales has to at least rate a mention!” says Jason Waite. “Or are you not covering?” I would love to cover that. I’d also love to cover the Championship, the Scottish League, David Haye’s pre-fight nap and Doncaster v Birmingham & Solihull. And I’d also love to have four different mullets, which a little button on the side of my head allows me to choose between each day.

Preamble Hello. Yeah sure there are cultured, grown-up things you can do on a Saturday afternoon, art galleries and other places where you can pointedly narrow your eyes as if you actually have a clue what’s going on, but give that a break today and embrace an old-school bumper Saturday of sport. Like when Dickie Davies used to do it. Okay so we don’t have fat heroes called Shirley or Leslie or whatever in lycra, but we do have just rugby and football, that’s not actually that much is it. Could we done under the Trade Descriptions Act for calling it a bumper Saturday of sport a bumper crop o’ fun:

• Four Premier League matches!
• England v Australia at Twickenham!
• More FA Cup matches than you can shake an antiquated cup competition at!
• Nothing else!

These are the Premier League games, with those untrusty Smyth predictions that you’ve come to know and ignore.

Aston Villa 2-1 Bolton
Blackburn 2-1 Portsmouth
Manchester City 4-1 Burnley
Tottenham 2-1 Sunderland

And you can see all the FA Cup fixtures by clicking here. Paulton Rovers are already 3-0 down to Norwich, so there that goes.

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